If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Word!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.