If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
You Might Also Like
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better