Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.