Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

my retirement plan is braless

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

These 3D printers are insane!

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists