If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
A friend sent me this.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.