If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

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ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery


ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave


A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”


Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone


Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.


My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.


If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.


I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.