If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
me: my friends:
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?