Take me Hoooome
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I feel seen
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
how to piss off everybody