If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

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Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad


Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*


DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want


I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.


There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.


Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.


When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician


mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda