@envydatropic

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

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@get_stalked

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

@capnwatsisname

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

@s_cLaN07

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

@pegobry

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

@skillsmcgill

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

@aaronneedshelp

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

@Browtweaten

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda