@envydatropic

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

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@BringDaNoyz

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

@illuminateddino

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

@Brettagher

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@DaveWeasel

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

@MooseAllain

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

@babyblue0924

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.