Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”