How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
we’re dead?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Owl Sanctuary
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.