if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Well, that didn’t work.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.