Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Growing up was a huge mistake

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.