if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse