if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
The sacred texts.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex