If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
