If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
first you must answer his riddles
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
