Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast