If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
How to properly lift a body
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Breaking news:
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.