Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.