If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
You Might Also Like
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Found the job I’m suited for
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’ve been drinking.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?