If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
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McDonald鈥檚 just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald鈥檚鈩笍 McRib鈩笍 sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: I鈥檓 an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. 鈽橈笍
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I don鈥檛 want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
this chia pet tastes awful
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
This is my bus stop.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Can鈥檛. I鈥檓 busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.