If you need a laugh.. 😅
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Ape together strong
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
sometimes we need to be reminded
