If you need a laugh.. 😅
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[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
calling in to work dehydrated
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*updates tinder bio*
two people or more is called a problem
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?