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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Why is everyone getting married at me
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
taking June’s advice to heart
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…