If you need a laugh.. 😅
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[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
and now we wait
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
rebranding
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]