If you need a laugh.. 😅
You Might Also Like
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.