If you need a laugh.. 😅
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My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
They must have gotten it to go.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
me: my friends:
