If you need a laugh.. 😅
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Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?