If you need a laugh.. 😅
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Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
ready to be harvested
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please