If you need a laugh.. 😅
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Tier 3 meme
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Short story
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Smile they said.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same