If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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cause of death:
autopsy.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.