Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

i think both sides are to blame here

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

HOW DARE YOU