If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired