If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”