Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Good morning

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”