If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off