Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Very good! 👍😂

I will never stop laughing at this

Proctologist = Analyst

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles