Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?