Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia