Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.