If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”