Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.