before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
You Might Also Like
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path