Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.