If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00