@Drivelodeon

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

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@pant_leg

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

@PinkCamoTO

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

@BarndogKarck

Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said “hentai” to work knowing his boss couldn’t write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is

@LaComtesseJamie

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@Manda_like_wine

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

@thesulk

“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”

@AndrewChamings

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

@TheCatWhisprer

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.