If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
This did not end as expected.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.