If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.