If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.