Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Not now. I’m deglazing.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.