If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Basketball
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Happy Febuary everyone!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Don’t snitch tag.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music