Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

I just love that new Pope smell.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”