Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Sing it!

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

#SuperBowl

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Damn what did I do next

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude