If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Ha
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer