Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.