If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.