If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Buck naked
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea