If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?