Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.