If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Every haunted house movie:
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
go easy on yourself <3
