If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
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Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
