If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.