If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*