If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth