Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”