If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
💀🤣
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
War & Peace
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.