Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service