If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real