If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
me before I type out affect or effect
