If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The real reason evolution started..😂
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.