@dragonsorbet
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
@MrPudmansButler
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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@dragonsorbet
@PoodleSnarf
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
@sixfootcandy
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
@Leslie_Annie
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
@LurkAtHomeMom
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
@GorillaNipples1
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
@TheTweetOfGod
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
@jergarl
I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.
@TheToddWilliams
Okay, I’m still confused…
@theshamingofjay
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.