@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

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@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@PoodleSnarf

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

@sixfootcandy

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

@Leslie_Annie

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

@LurkAtHomeMom

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

@TheTweetOfGod

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

@jergarl

I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.