If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what