If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”