Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.