If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.