If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
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“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children