Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.