If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.